Support from significant other

So for the last year I have been seriously thinking of wls. I have thought of it in the past (about 8 years) but never had an insurance that would cover it until now. I have Kaiser and have started the process of their bariatric program. I will have to wait about 2-3 months to get into classes and then 5 months of classes(they will be shortened to 20 weeks soon). So that means I could possibly be having surgery in the beginning of next year. I am totally fine with that time frame. I need that time to prepare and accrue time off from work.

My question is how did you get your significant other to support you in this process. My boyfriend is open to the idea but doesn't understand why I need something to drastic/ permanent for weight loss. He is 5'8" and around 130-140lbs so he doesn't know what a struggle it is. We have been together for 4 years now and he said that he will support me through out the process but that he isn't for surgery. I basically told him that i am having surgery no matter what and that I only want to know if he will be there to mentally and physically support me post op. I just want him in the hospital with me and to help me when I get home. I just don't know what to say to him to make him understand why i need this. What did you all say to your S/O to make them understand? Are there times where no matter what you say that they still wont get it. I am 5'5" and 293lbs. I need this more than ever. Also I have not told anyone else but my mom, a couple of friends, and a coworker who had surgery 7 years ago. I am a pretty private person so are there any suggestions of what should I tell him? Or how I can "prove" that I need this suregery and it isnt the easy way out?

First of all, if he would like to have you around for alot more years, surgery is in order.  I know you are considered morbidly obese and WLS is NOT an easy out.  You will struggle the rest of your life on how you eat.  You can put on weight if you do not learn from what your mistakes are now in eating and making a life long change.  Second, I did not read how old you were, but as an older person who waited many years to have this done, too many, I am happier with myself, I love life about more, there are many things I can do that I was unable to do before.  I do more than I used to even tho I was 393 at 5'8", I did alot than most fat people.  I can only say what I have been through.  My husband is very happy that I had this done.  He NEVER ONCE suggested I not have it done, I included him in every doctor visit, every class, or whatever I went to.  He knew that I would be happier, and healthier. If he had questions he could as the doctor directly.   You do not want to wait till you get diabetes, heart problems, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, you don't want any of those things.  I had 3 out of the 4 that I mentioned, no longer.  My joints are now old from carrying around so much weight for so long and I suffer from that, but there is not ONE day that I am not happy I had 5 holes poked in my body to reroute my insides.  I did for me, and along with my weightloss was a husband who is happy for ME, and proud of ME.  It was never about him, but it is a part of our lives.  I told everyone and anyone I was having surgery and what they said didn't matter to me, because it wasn't about them or their opinions but it was about ME ME ME!  Don't get me wrong, I am still shy, and don't have much self confidence.  New people mistake my quietness for rudeness, I am just shy at first~ 

Think about you, include him with everything and if he wants to read what I wrote, let him.  It's important that every single day, even tho my husband is VERY secure in our marriage, I still tell him everyday how much I love him and remind him, that no one can replace him!  I think it really helps that he knows even though I changed, nothing in the way I feel has changed.

Check out my profile and pictures, show him the success stories that are all over this site....I think that may help too.

Good luck, Diane

Thank you for the encouraging words. I plan on including him in every aspect since he has mentioned us 10 years down the road. I do think that he is a little scared that if I lose the weight I will become a different person. He just doens't understand why I need to be so drastic. I have told him that I am doing this for me and to extend my life. I want to life a long full life. I will tell everyone after the surgery is done. I just dont want the comments or the judgement before I have it done. Plus I work in a field where I can see what can go wrong if you do have surgery or if you dont. So I dont need them pointing it out to me everyday. Thanks again!

It's a chance he will have to take.  Some people change and some don't, cir****tances change and your life will be whatever it is meant to be.  I see you live close by, when we have a coffee, please come and bring him with you, it is good for the men to chat about their partners surgeries.

Diane

Next time you guys have coffee let me know I will try and make it. It will probably be just me at first and maybe he will come around soon. I hope that he comes around before surgery day. Maybe he is just afraid of losing me, either after surgery or during it.

Nathalie :-)

Never having to worry about the support from a S/O I don't know what you  would be dealing with, I do how ever know that 6months ago I had WLS and I have NEVER looked back. Not had one day of "OMG what have I done".
Just include him in as much as possible and should him some or all of the post here that truly show it can save your life. You are young and could  live to be old if you do this but you will have to follow the rules the rest of your life and this is no joke, it is very important to follow the rules of eating, taking your supplements and getting in your protein and your water!!
Good Luck
JOY

I plan on including him as much as possible and hope that he comes around eventually. With is "approval" or not I am doing this for ME. Thanks for the encouragement. I do plan on following all of the vitamin rules and getting in as much water as I can. I dont want any serious complications based on my unwillingness to follow the rules. I am well educated on the procedure and know that until my surgery date I will be re-educating myself and reading everything possible. Thanks Again!

Hi there
I too have a S/O who was not in favor of surgery; but he has come around in the last month.  Diane is so right on! This is about YOU and what you can do to extend your life. You don't need to 'prove' anything to anybody...you are wanting to take steps to improve your quality of life...don't let anyone tell you you can't or shouldn't.  If I had 'will power', I wouldn't be the weight I am or was when I started this journey (top wt 241lbs)  I also told all my carving friends and everyone at work; figured it was easier to be up front..they are gonna know sooner or later..and I don't want them worrying I'm sick or have something deathly wrong because I'm (going to be) losing weight quickly.  Diane also brings up a good point..REASSUE your S/O that even tho you change on the outside, your feelings for him and your committment to the relationship will not change..he could be having some security issues himself.  I'm also Kaiser..would be interesting to exchange notes..I assume you would be having your surgery at the San Diego facility?  I'm going to Richmond.  Stay in touch, keep reading and researching..and Good Luck with your journey!
Nancy aka Sunray

I want to include him in everything throughout the process. I am having the surgery no matter what. I want him to know that I need this to be there for a very long time. I also want him to know that I love him and that surgery will not change the person that I am. On another note I will be going to the San Diego facility. I do have the choice of going to the facility in Wildomar but I don't want to go there. I will definitely keep in touch and let you know about my process with Kaiser. It will be a long one but I will do it. Thanks for the encouraging words! I am sure that he will come around in the end.

Nathalie (Itook a look at your profile), my husband was all for me having the surgery. Although he didn't attend my doc appointments with me, he did go to my support group meetings with me. I am 5'5" and my highest weight topped out at 295 pounds. I have lost 93 pounds so far. A lot of what he is feeling is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of your death while in surgery, fear of your relationship changing. It's perfect;y natural. My husband was against my having surgery in San Diego because that meant more time off work for him. My mom said she's take me if he refused.

I am now finding that the husband is being supportive when it's convenient for him. The only time he's supportive is when our relationship is in a good place. I told him that if he couldn't be supportive through the good AND bad of our relationship, then I didn't want/need his support at all. I've also told him that I no longer want him at my support group meetings anymore because he doesn't get the "respect of confidentiality" factor. What is said in group, stays in group. But boy is he quick to brag to our friends about how much weight I've lost and how much he thinks he know about the process.

All I can say is give him some time and keep talking.